Love Lo Life

At Kanvas – See on Path.

I dreamt of a horse and two pigs. I had to decide to keep the horse or the two pigs. I wasn’t sure which would serve a better purpose. The pigs allowed me to never be hungry. The horse allowed me movement and freedom. Freedom to roam this country mile and never look back. So what would you choose? I asked my neighbor. My neighbor said, “I’d keep the two pigs.” Why? I don’t want to be hungry. I asked my priest. My priest said, “I’d keep the two pigs.” Why? “I’d use them as a sacrifice.” I asked a stranger. The stranger said, I’d keep the two pigs.” Why? “I’m barren and would treat them as pets.” I asked a child. The child said, “I’d keep the horse.” Why? “It would be my friend. It would take me places.” The neighbor would eat the two pigs. The priest would sacrifice the two pigs. The stranger would treat the two pigs as pets. The child. Oh the child. The child would keep the horse. The complexity of the pigs and the different utilization is too much for the child. Complexity is beautiful. Complexity is complexed. Complexity can lead to confusion. Complexity has too many definitions. Life brings about complexity. The two pigs allow too much. The two pigs are stagnant. The two pigs are a weight. The horse has one function. Freedom. Through the eyes of a child we don’t see chaos and confusion. Love versus hate. Peacetime and wartime. Religion and sexuality conflicts. Stricken to bare. Unable to provide a meal. We see the world as our playground. The horse as our friend and our mobility. I pray for a world where only horses roam and two pigs leave us alone. Where we see the  beauty in complexity but aren’t beaten by life. So what would you choose? A horse or two pigs? Be like the child and ride away with your friend and never look back. 

This is my oath tonight. My oath to never write about a love interest. A lover. A man I could see a future with. A man that I want. My oath to never transcribe those yearning feelings. My oath to never allow you to feel something that I don’t even feel. My oath to never make you more than what you are by accumulating beautiful sentences and fancy words. This is my oath to take love as a joke. To understand that those who fall in it and for it are fools. My oath to weep at night because I wanted to be that fool. So as we toast tonight with our empty shot glasses, toast to the meager subtlety in life. Toasting with empty shot glasses. Toast to the fact that I’ve learned that my words are a curse. Pity those who fall free from the curse. I look around and Jack D. is staring. Gin is staring. Old Canadian is staring. But tonight we toast with empty shot glasses. My oath to never fulfill those dire desires of wordplay in relation to you. I warned you this may happen. Clearly it happened. “Moment of Vulnerability” waiting on a text. In your case. You know who are. You ignore thy text. This is my oath to not live in once upon a time land through writing. Once upon a time I would’ve never felt this way. We are gathered here dearly beloveds to celebrate the liberation of no longer writing about depthless men who deserve no words of resuscitation to make them lively or whole. Awake or wanted. I saw a pretty little Muslim girl on my plane today who gazed at me as if she was looking into a world unknown to her. I’ll write about that instead of a euphoria striven from an orgasm. Feminist? No. Deeply rooted in pain? Yes. Words have power and meaning. Yet, they hold no actions. They only come alive through belief. So for those who didn’t believe fuck you. But in the most sincere way possible. Truly, I feel obliged to dishonor my subjects. I feel more hurt in their lack of belief on what special emphasis that was put upon them. Which is why I have made an oath to never make the unspecial special in the beautiful words written by Lo. Thank you Ahmad. Thank you Buddha Baby. Thank you non-believers.

I hate this space. 1009

I’ll probably never get to tell you. And maybe you’ll never know. This is the hardest. Separation. Exile of the heart. Tears that put me to sleep because your touch is no where near. The drip drop glides over my nose. My pillow soaked. I must be trying to out do the rain. This is to a man I once knew. A man I once knew. He never made me cry. Only once, tonight. Pain loss and memories gone. To the man I once knew I wish I could tell you. I would lie to you so sweet. Pretend you were all mine. I always knew better. I didn’t do better. Right now I have a laughing heart and wet cheeks. Foolish. What happens to a love lost? Who takes care of it? Of you? Who mends my heart back into one? Who dries my eyes? To the man I once knew, know that I fell in love. But I fell alone. I hurt myself amongst the fall. You weren’t there to catch me or my feelings. Deep in a row. Private thoughts shattered with your last words. Waiting on a call that never comes. Yet my foolish soul knows better. You were my drug and I the addict. A high, euphoria I always escaped to. I wanted to dance with the white devil. You never let me. Strung out in a sea of white clouds. Nose clean. Your pain filled my pleasure. Your loneliness cleared my void. Your absence made me search for you in someone else. I never found you in them. Like the other I would probably exploit it all for you too. To the man I once knew. I’ve only loved twice. Given my heart twice. Received it back twice. You are my three. You still hold it. Pity the fool who seeks unhappiness. I seek unhappiness. I could be happy but it would hurt you. My heart with another. My love with another. My thighs wrapped around him. Scratching at his back and biting his ear. Kisses up his neck until they meet his mouth. I am deserving of that type of pleasure. Shielding away from what’s mine. You and I both know. You’ll never utter those three words to me. You’ll never kiss me goodnight. You’ll never make me feel special in your world. I wanted your acceptance. You’ll never know love from me. You’ll forever be the man I use to know.

Just tell me you love me. I know you don’t though. But as humans we have conditioned ourselves that we need those words to live. Get by. Exist. Feel needed. Just tell me those words even if you don’t mean it. Even if it has no effect. Power in those words. All I need is a minute.

My brain is like a dictionary of thoughts. I am constantly looking up the meaning of things. Not everyone or thing has purpose or do they? I try to put things in categories. Why are you here categories. Why are we cool categories. Why did we meet categories. Sub categories seem to be even more detailed. And then it just stops. My brain stops. It stops trying to find purpose and meaning for everything and everyone. It stops trying to break down things that aren’t science but real relationships. It breathes. Sometimes I use my brain as a searching tool. It’s always looking trying to find something. Something better  at times. Other times it’s just searching to see what else and who else is out there. Contentment is a rare word in my dictionary of thoughts. I’ve begin to see that sometimes my brain doesn’t have the super powers I thought it had. Someone once told me if I can’t change it then don’t focus on it. My brain didn’t like that idea. It likes control and despises any who limits or restricts its access. So that day my brain and I disagreed. Sometimes it thinks too much. Too much thought goes into the simplest things. Not enough thought. It over analyzes everything. It reads too much into things. It sees things that aren’t always there. My brain’s mind is crazy at times. It’s constantly working. It never shuts off. Even when I’m sleeping my dreams are wild. My nightmares are real. And my brain is still spinning. This gray matter. This big piece of gray matter that evolves in thoughts. Grows and matures. Yet the worst of me at times. Yet the best of me at times. So i devour my thoughts turn off the lights and let it all levitate. 

When you’ve unwind for the day do you think about me? When you have nothing else to complete, no more errands to run, do you think about me? When youvclose your eyes and drift off for the night, do you dream about me? Do you see me in your dreams? When you wake up in the morning, knock on wood, do you think about me? I’ve left a place open for you in mind and I’m just wondering the same. Maybe you do. I hope you do. I pray you do.

What if we lived today? Wrote names of cities we wanted to visit on a piece of paper. And drew them out a hat. Whatever we picked. We went. What if we lived today? And I told you I loved you. Gave you the sweetest stoner kiss. And whispered those three words in your ear. But you just met me. What if we lived today? And you trusted my every word. You held onto the words that came out my mouth. And if I ever lied to you a serpent would cut my tongue. What if we lived today? And you planted seeds of your fruit in my garden. Close my eyes and fall into you. My God he’s giving me pleasure. Frank Ocean. I’m giving you life. What if we lived today? And I showed you how beautiful it was to be bad. I took you out of your element. Levitated your mind. Took you on a trip. Close your eyes and fall into me. What if we lived today? And nothing mattered. Could you live with pleasure over matter?

My love is having a baby. A girl to be exact. She’ll be born in October. Probably a libra. He’ll give her a wild name. Yet it’ll have meaning. She’ll physically look her mother. But she’ll have my eyes. She’ll have my stare. He’ll look at her like she belongs to him but also somebody else. Some of me will be in his child because a lot of me was in him. He won’t regret the woman who bore his first. It just couldn’t be me. He would always ask indirectly if I was ready. No. I can’t give that to you right now. So I wasn’t upset when I found out my love was having a baby. I knew. I understood. Steady heartbreak but I never dwell. Babies bring joy. So when he sends me that first picture I’ll be happy for him. I’ll smile. I’ll cry at the million dollar baby who I hope inherits the world. But I know better. She’ll live for love and life. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you that life but you’ll see a lot of me in her because a lot of me was in you. This lo life you once loved. You’ll always remember me when you look at her. I gave her her eyes. So when she stares at you you’ll reach a soul that you missed with me.

Lately when I come home I feel like my apartment door was kicked in and that someone was intruding. I walk up to the door and it’s closed. No kicks. Closed. But I always imagine a robbery. A robbery where everything is still in place. Nothing was stolen. Not even touched. Just a peep inside my world. However they do damage the door. They kick it in. They walk in. Turn on the old film light. Look at all my books on the coffee table. The airplane. The leftover session and lighter. Prescription pills. And remote. Gaze through my DVDs. Intrigued. Do the Right Thing, Kids, She’s Gotta Have It, The Wire 1-5, Kill Bill Vol. 1. Just to name a few. Stare at the art on the wall. Interesting black & white. Strum the guitars. Put it down because the acoustic is broken. Electric. Loud noise. They walk through my hallway scan the clothes on the rack. Tags? Yes, some clothes are still new. They stop before they enter my room. They don’t walk in there. Invasion of my privacy. They choose not to invade my privacy. They were so close to me yet so far away. Home invasion but I won’t call the cops. I’ll let you have that moment. Whatever you felt when you were so close. I’ll give that to you. You apparently needed that. Tomorrow at the same time you’ll do the same thing. You’ll kick in the door and walk in. Like its your first visit. Untouched you’ll leave it but you won’t invade my privacy. And one day I’ll invite you over. I’ll open the door for you.

Open Diary,
Very emotional day for me. Not quite sure why. Other than me being a very emotional and sensitive person this day has been a challenge to get through. Moment of honesty. Speaking of challenge, that I will become. Work for the things you want in life. If not kick rocks with flip flops. Heard that the other night. Seriously though I think I could’ve had the world by now had I not given it away so easily. Moment of honesty. These are all inner thoughts tonight folks.